MASSACRE IN IRAQ - AND OTHER FUN STUFF NEWS IN THE NEWS So... we're stuck in a war that's looking more and more like cover for one of the most audacious robberies of all time, rampaging American soldiers are slaughtering entire families in the middle of the night even as their own casualty rates are increasing daily, and one of the nation's most important employers is on the verge of total collapse. You know what that means, don't you? It means it's time for Matt "useful idiot" Drudge to run a screaming, ten-point headline story about how some guy who nobody's ever heard of before doesn't much care for Preznit Dubya. Remember the whiny, insecure kid in nursery school, the one who always thought everyone was out to get him, and was always running to the teacher with complaints? Chances are he grew up to be a conservative. Surfing the net last night, I came across a documentary on the life and times of Thelemite messiah Aleister Crowley. It's called Master of Darkness, and it's pretty goofy and sensationalistic. But hey... at least they pronounce his name right (it's "crow", like the bird). If you're interested, check it out. It's available in three parts: Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3. If the White House had known that terrorists were going to hijack planes and fly them into buildings on the morning of September 11th, they would have moved heaven and Earth to stop them. And if, in August of 2001, they thought FBI agent Harry Samit was serious when he desperately tried to warn them again and again about terrorists who were getting ready to hijack planes and fly them into buildings, they no doubt would have moved heaven and earth to take his calls. Now you, too, can experience all the "fun" of Super Mario Bros. without having to play the stupid game. Be sure to click here, especially if you're an aspiring "deejay". In their first abortion-related case, the newly super-conservafied Supreme Court decided that there was nothing wrong, after all, with anti-choice crazies picketing right up front of family planning clinics, despite a long-standing federal "safety zone" that had, until now, kept them at arm's length. Yer old pal Jerky thinks abortion clinic security guards should henceforth take advantage of the increasingly lax gun laws being adopted by some "red" states -- specifically Florida, itself a hotbed of right-wing Christian terrorism -- to help thin the pro-life herd a little. Step on the lawn? Get shot in the leg! Make a threatening move? Get shot in the face! All in the name of justifiable self-defense. Fight conservatism with conservatism! That's what yer old pal Jerky thinks. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY While conducting research for a special "Terri Schiavo Edition" of the Daily Dirt last year, yer old pal Jerky was fortunate enough to score an exclusive interview with none other than Grim Death, himself. I reprint it here, now, in case you missed it. The Daily Dirt: First of all, I want to thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to answer a few questions for us today. Grim Death: No trouble at all, Jerky. It's my pleasure. DD: Well, I appreciate it. The first thing I'd like to ask you about is your look. The black cowl, the dimly glowing skull… and that scythe! It all seems designed to invoke maximum terror. Isn't death just a natural part of life? GD: That's a very good question. Simply put, dwelling on death when one's death is not immanent can prevent people from living a proper life. Therefore, my admittedly unpleasant appearance is, in fact, a form of aversion therapy. Besides, I only appear this way to the living. My clients see me in many different ways. For some, I am a dearly departed loved one. For others, I am the God of their Faith. I have manifested as sensations, voices, and even a reflection of the parting Self. It depends. DD: So you're a trickster? GD: Not at all. I don't make the decision as to how I appear. I am merely an usher, escorting my clients through the Veil. What lies beyond is different for everyone, and is of no consequence to me. DD: So, is there a God? GD: Next question. DD: Any comments on the Terri Schiavo case? GD: Not really. I helped Terri cross over back in early 1990. I deal with souls, not lower brain-stalk functions. DD: So she's not alive? Then why all the fuss? GD: That's where things get complicated. As you said earlier, death is a normal part of life. But it is more than that. It is the single, shining moment that lies beyond the realm of mathematics, where the finite plunges into the infinite. It is when all that you have been becomes all that you will ever be. It is the pulling away of the chisel from the stone. For some people, this is not a pleasant process. DD: Some people? GD: Well, take those protestors outside the hospice. For most of them, the issue isn't Terri's death, but their own. Death is never easy for fundamentalists. The process is too honest for them. I'm not Santa Claus. If you come to me with a list of expectations -- pearly gates for instance, or a thousand virgins -- you're in for a rude awakening. DD: Well, I see your publicist is signaling for me to wrap this up, so let's leave it at that. Thank you again for this opportunity, and for all the good work that you do. GD: It was my pleasure. See you soon!

THEY SAID IT! "As I read Biblical principles, marriage was intended, ordained and started by God. That is my belief. For me, this is an issue solely based on religious principals." - On Wednesday, March 1, 2006, at a hearing on a proposed Constitutional Amendment to prohibit gay marriage in Maryland, Republican State Senator Nancy Jacobs delineates the reasoning behind her stance. *** **** *** "People place their hand on the Bible and swear to uphold the Constitution; they don't put their hand on the Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible." - After Jacobs was done spewing her biblical bullshit, Jamie Raskin, a professor of constitutional law from Washington's American University, scores what yer old pal Jerky considers to be a knockout blow.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Andres! Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Kerusty for sending in today's second joke. Johnny wanted to shag a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said "I'll give you a 1000 dollars if you let me shag you", but the girl said NO. Johnny said: "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for 2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. She said "THE BASTARD USED COINS!!!" Management lesson: ALWAYS CONSIDER A BUSINESS PROPOSAL IN ITS ENTIRETY! WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Nan or Ben... A Mexican from El Paso found himself in Lubbock and decided to approach a prostitute down on 17th and R. He asked her, "How much do you charge for the hour?" "$100," she replied. "Do you do Messican-style?" he asked. Not knowing exactly what this was, she refused. He tried to sweeten the deal and said, "I'll pay you $300 to do it Messiccan-style." Again she declined. Being the persistent type, he laid down a final offer. "I'll give you $500 to go Messican-style with me! What do you say?" Finally, she agrees, thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over ten years now. I've been there and done that, and had every kind of request from weirdos from all over the world. How kinky could Messican-style be?" After an hour of every possible way and position, she turned to him and said, "That was fantastic, but I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Messican-style' come in?" The Mexican popped a can of beer and replied, "I pay you next Wednesday when I get my check."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: WHAT WOULD I DO? care of: Panda If I were Lieboy? In your "typhoon of terror" there have to be a few good plagues to drop on certain densely populated neighborhoods to keep the people busy. A Safety Quarantine is a much nicer name than Martial Law, needed to protect the people from smallpox, "flu" or disease X, something the "terrorists" have brought here because they hate us for our freedoms. Nicely dropped into food/water supplies and air in the "underprivileged" areas. Liberals with bleeding hearts would flock to assist and die too. Everything would have to be controlled to stop the spread of disease... just workers with papers allowed to go from point A to point B. News would have to be curtailed to stop the spread of panic. Only good news about the progress being made, on the hunt for the sources of the illnesses, interspersed with frightening stories about people who ventured outside their area, tragically contracting the disease. An emergency Ministry of Information would be run by the DoD. Game shows and light entertainment allowed for hypnosis with emergency announcements tossed in to let people know what to do. Any elections would have to be suspended during the emergency. Drugs to cure the epidemics would have to be controlled... leadership and "needed" citizens first. The militia would have to step up patrols to curtail rioting and looting by the sudden "unidentified" gangs threatening law abiding folks... for everyone's good. They might have diseases they want to spread to patriots. And more "unidentified" terrorists might blow up a few places where there is resistance to the whole thing, requiring a further clampdown on civil liberties. It would be America's own fault for not allowing more protective spying. Mass graves run by HHS would be needed for the masses of diseased corpses. They might have to be burned... stopping the plague would be the reason. Nobody but military and other authorized personnel only allowed in to check them for missing relatives or friends in case they too become ill. For their own good. Rationing of food, gasoline, electricity... there will still be plenty of customers who tow the line to get their ration books. And since there are so many businesses already established outside the U.S. the internet won't be as crucial here anymore... it might go down due to terrorists anyway. Zones can be established for travel... yes it will work well. Yup, if I were the Chimp, and things got worse in terms of scrutiny, that might be what I'd do. Catapult the diseases. - Panda [Jesus Fucking Nailholes, man. Sorry I asked. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Jerky; Here's a link to the PIPA report referred to in the Alternet story you linked for Scooter. Please pass this along. Cheers, YOPCannabian [Danke, muchacho! - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerkman! I know that it is getting very very weird in the U.S. now --- since that news story about the NSA spying on Americans and spying on EVERY international communication --- you have toned down your responses to some stories and not commented on others. And I don't blame you or find any fault with your actions. Keep up the good writing, I'm happy not to live there. I have been a happy reader for more years than I can remember. YOPMike in Ufa, Russia [Be sure to read yesterday's Dirt. - Jerky] *** **** *** Mr LeBoeuf, I've never been able to understand words which are nor clearly spoken. I never know the words to songs. I never understood what the Cheer Leaders were saying. I don't understand Shakespeare as the actors shout at each other on stage. My best Shakespeare experience was when the Prof slowly read all the parts in a play and explained things as he went along. Which brings me to South Park. I've got nothing against animated comedies. I think "The Simpsons" is the best program on the TV, but I don't understand a word they're saying in South Park. Every so often I'll hear a "bad" word. Whoopie! That would be funny if I were twelve. Aram [The Venture Bros. and Aqua Teen Hunger Force are the best cartoons currently in production, as far as yer old pal Jerky is concerned. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, This is a succinct piece in The Australian newspaper which, in isolation, may seem to be just another piece on challenging government lies, but when added into the context of Gulf War Parts I and II, Bush Jnr and current events puts an underline to the entire situation of how the government/s are pushing their agenda while treating their constituents as ... whatever. YOP Sweaty Wheels [So... it's all about wheat?! - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; The Gourds? Really? I never like to say too much bad about someone catching on to something a little late -- hey, we're all behind the times on something -- but the Gourds? They were all over the place on the internet like 10 years ago when they did their absolutely brilliant cover of Snoop Dogg's "Gin and Juice." CT [That was them?! I thought that was Ween! - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; Do you think we could sue the Repugs for breach of contract? Read the REPUBLICAN CONTRACT WITH AMERICA. They promised they would be the end of government that is too big, too intrusive, and too easy with the public's money. They promised to restore accountability to Congress. To end its cycle of scandal and disgrace. And that's just the beginning of their screw ups. Either they are really bad at coming through, or they just aren't trying. MattDragon [You're shocked that Republicans lie? - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Now MOPJ!! Where was G. Dubya when we needed him to do this in 2000? YOPTony [Is that a rhetorical question? - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com