THE LONG, SLOW GOODBYE Friends, partisans and old pals of every stripe, I beg your forgiveness for my extended absence, and for the lack of any substantial explanation thereof. At this point, it probably won't come as much of a shock to you that, after seven years and five months of bringing you the Dirt as I've seen it on a daily basis, the party's over. In many ways, and for many reasons, this is one of the most difficult editorials I've ever had to write. Maybe that's why it's taken me the better part of three months to do so. One of the complicating factors is that the Dirt hasn't exactly been cancelled yet, so I can't even whip up a proper farewell. This pseudo-demise has left the Dirt, and me, in a peculiar kind of suspended animation. Editorial limbo, if you will. Here are the hard, cold facts. Because of an ongoing decline in ad revenue and a steady decrease in readership over the years, my employers have decided that my time and talents (such as they are) would be better spent on other projects. Once again, the bottom line turns out to be the bottom line. The reasons for the Dirt's decline are legion. The arrival of easy-to-use blogging technology a few years ago -- and the subsequent explosion in high quality blogs -- has essentially rendered the Dirt obsolete. Then there's the matter of the increased use of so-called "spam-blockers" that do a real good job of preventing us from delivering announcements to our double-opted-in subscribers, while simultaneously allowing upwards of 90% of actual, unwanted spam to slip through. Of course, there's also the fact that the Dirt hasn't been much fun of late. When I first took over writing duties on this newsletter, my beat included the slutty shenanigans of third-rate starlets and the gory crimes committed by whatever freak-of-the-week caught my attention. Eventually, a massive terrorist attack, a monstrously conceived war and a string of stolen elections knocked the funny right out of me, like a boot to the stomach. I followed my heart, and lost a lot of readers in the process. Such is life. Over the years, I have often felt unworthy of my readership, and I am frankly mystified at the generosity, the intelligence and the loyalty many of you have shown. Most of you are far too astute to have put up with my pet obsessions, my grasping meditations and my often obscenely purple prose for as long as you have. And yet, you did. You indulged my years-long transformation from Jester to Cassandra and tolerated my interminable loggorhea. To you, the hard core, the few thousands who have stuck with me and contributed to the Dirt from the beginning, I am eternally grateful. I am also grateful to the following individuals: Pig McBaker, my predecessor on the Daily Dirt, who took an intermittently-published e-rag and applied some writerly discipline to it, thus multiplying the subscription base tenfold. My former assistant Lori, who put up with a lot of crap for a couple years before being downsized. My l'il buddy Jover, who provided three of the Dirt's five design overhauls before moving on to greener pastures. Mel Rosedale, a true visionary in adult entertainment, for rescuing me from computer peripherals wholesale. There are others to whom I am grateful, but they probably wouldn't want to be mentioned in this space, so they shall remain nameless. They know who they are. So… is this goodbye? No, it isn't. I will continue to update the Daily Dirt on a weekly basis from this point on -- perhaps on an accelerated schedule to start with, to make up for all those missed weeks -- for as long as I can. I will also send out e-mail notices every time we update, for the scant few who are capable of receiving them. In the meantime, here are a few sites for y'all to bookmark so you have something worth visiting on a daily basis... TOP-TEN FOSTER WEBSITES FOR JERKY'S ORPHANS 11. DAILYROTTEN.COM - Your one-stop shop for all your bizarre news needs. 10. BRADBLOG.COM - Brad Friedman is Quincy to America's defunct election system, and his pug-ugly website serves as its ongoing autopsy. He's all over this inexplicably ignored tragedy, like white on Condi Rice. 9. BARTCOP.COM - Yer old pal Jerky first became addicted to Bartcop's website well over a decade ago, when it was called "Rush Limba - Lying Nazi Whore". Today, Bart is still serving up daily helpings of rage-fueled satire and commentary on that familiar orange website of his. An old pal, indeed! 8. ANTIWAR.COM - The best anti-war news, viewpoints and activities from a Libertarian and traditional conservative point of view. Online home of must-read columnist Justin Raimondo. 7. PRISONPLANET.COM - One of the most comprehensive and frequently updated parapolitical news blogs out there. Just set your bullshit meters to "high" and you should be safe. 6. BUZZFLASH.COM - A great roundup of unabashedly liberal-biased news items, commentary, analysis and editorials. 5. MEDIAMATTERS.ORG - Quite possibly the Right's most hated site, because it's one of the most devastating. And yet, all Media Matters does is provide verbatim, in-context quotes and videos documenting the rising tide of conservative lies, bias and bile in the mainstream media. 4. CROOKSANDLIARS.COM - Similar to Media Matters, only less formal and politically correct. Media Matters presents the facts and leaves it at that. CrooksAndLiars presents the facts, then follows it up with a smack upside the head. Unlike Media Matters, they don't concentrate exclusively on the negative. Daily Show clips and Olbermann commentaries are regular staples, for instance. 3. TRUTHOUT.ORG - Be sure to sign up for their regular e-mail updates, and set up a special folder in your e-mail client reserved just for their multiple daily news update mailings. 2. ALTERNET.COM - Excellent, comprehensive coverage and analysis of current events from an intelligent and progressive perspective. 1. RAWSTORY.COM - Alternet's rambunctious little brother. It's kind of like The Drudge Report, only without the closeted homosexual, borderline retarded, egomaniacal namesake. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

THEY SAID IT! "I hurt more than anyone could imagine and without my faith your constant cruelty would destroy me. ... Each time you print it hurts my family and now I have lost them along with everything I have worked for during my 64 years of life. I am human not an animal to keep whipping." - Disgraced Congressman Randy "Duke" Cunningham's self-pitying prison letters are an absolute riot. Reading the full versions must be like chicken-soup for the Republican-hater's soul. *** **** *** "Secrecy is the freedom zealots dream of: no watchmen to check the door, no accountant to check the books, no judge to check the law. This secret government has no constitution. The rules it follows are the rules it makes up." - Oddly enough, this Bill Moyers quote is from 1990. The more things change, the more they stay "teh suck". *** **** *** "And finally, new rule in two parts: (A) You can't call yourself a think tank if all your ideas are stupid; and (B) If you're someone from one of these think tanks that dreamed up the Iraq War and who predicted that we'd be greeted as liberators, and that we wouldn't need a lot of troops, and that Iraqi oil would pay for the war, that the WMD's would be found, that the looting wasn't problematic, that the mission was accomplished, that the insurgency was in its last throes, that things would get better after the people voted, after the government was formed, after we got Saddam, after we got his kids, after we got Zarqawi, and that whole bloody mess wouldn't turn into a civil war, you have to stop making predictions." - Bill Maher, making the kind of sense that got him fired from his cushy network gig.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Trembly Dale! A man goes to a dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a needle. "No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. "I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!" The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection", the patient says, "I am fine with pills". The dentist left for a moment and when he returned, says "Here is a Viagra tablet." The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know the V-Pill worked as a pain killer!" "It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Naveed for sending in today's second joke. An Italian, a Frenchman and a Mexican are drinking at a bar discussing what they had done the previous evening. The Italian says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest olive oil then we made passionate love and I made her scream nonstop for five minutes." The Frenchman says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special aphrodisiac oil then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight." The Mexican says: "That's nothing. Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter then made love and I made her scream for two consecutive hours " The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, ask, "Two hours, phenomenal! How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?" "I wiped my hands on the curtains." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Dave on Dope... Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Peter decided to let him in. "Follow me." he said, opening the gate and walking in. After some walk, Saint Peter's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint Peter was furious. "If you do that again, you'll go straight to hell! Follow me, we're almost there." After some more Peter dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance. Again they walk and for the third time Peter drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Peter is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell. A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off. "Why is it so god damn cold down here?" Peter asks. "Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.

FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Hey Jerky, While trying to get over a shitty breakup these past couple of days, I realized one thing about people. There's no way you can get them to see things, right things, LOGICAL things, if they don't wanna see it. Like how much you care, or how stupid Dubya is. When broken up with, I was rendered ungrateful and irresponsible, perhaps like a "damn liberal". When asked by others why he broke up with me, the answer given was as inconsistent as not accepting stem cell research because Korea has nukes. So I realized that I shouldn't blame myself if he thinks I'm irresponsible and whatnot (which I'm not), and if I haven't made a difference in many people's minds about the American situation. Cause if the person in front of you is self-centered, stubborn, or just plain fucking stupid, they're not gonna get it. As many times as you bang your head on the wall. I guess my ex would have made a great Republican. Vicky D [We are in the post-truth age. Better learn to deal with it. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; If you can, watch the PBS program about Jack Abramoff. It will probably be on again, but there is a lot of really good information about how our government really runs. The program is Moyers on America: The case of lobbyist Jack Abramoff. And the discussion after the program is really worthwhile too. David Andrews [Here it is, online. Just click on Capital Crimes. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; Very interesting how this happened after a meeting with the church leaders last week by Bush. C Holt [The relevance of the timing issue escapes me. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; The Path to 9/11 was very troubling because it sent the message that the Constitution supposedly got in the way of preventing the attacks on 9/11. Specifically, this “docudrama” reportedly portrays Clinton administration officials reining in CIA operatives ready to strike Osama bin Laden because those officials are hog-tied by legal restraints. That is entirely fabricated by the author and its implication is that 9/11 was made possible by weak people following outmoded laws. The corollary is an endorsement of the Bush administration’s legislative and PR effort to scare the nation and Congress into rewriting and severely restricting our freedoms and legal standards. If weakening the Constitution is your idea of helping America, then this program will be right up your alley. D Andrews [And yet, it aired. Go figure. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, Damn it feels good to write to you once again. In todays news we read of the new Defense budget of $448 Billion dollars for the fiscal year 2007. In it, the Democrats made sure there was a provision against establishing permanent military bases in Iraq. I almost laughed out loud. I knew some information about the permanency of our military in Iraq, but I had just read this a couple of days ago and just went, "WTF?" YOP, Bob [Nothing is solid at this time. Legally, spiritually and literally, we're in a collective state of absolute flux. How it will shake out is anybody's guess. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, Jerky, Jerky… The mother fucking KING OF THAILAND!!! Whats up with that? IrishDave [You mean him supporting the military coup against Thailand's sitting government? Not sure what's up with that, but I think John Michael Karr had something to do with it. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, The law that Florida, and several other states, has passed allowing the decent gun owners to shoot criminals is one of the best laws ever passed in modern times. Whoever wrote that shitball editorial about it being bad is in dire need of a frontal lobotomy or they truly belong to the Nazi party. Explain to the asshole anti-gunners that some of the politicians are waking up to the needs of the real world. In FL if you get caught shooting a gun during a crime it is automatic 20 yrs in the slammer. That is a good law also. And while I am at why did you not publish my letter about giving President Bush a little credit. I did not say he was perfect, but you gotta admit there have been no more terrorist attacks in the United States since 9/11. Get real for a change. YOP Rembrandt [I didn't publish your previous letter because it was as stupid as this one, only longer. - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Jerky, I watched Keith Olbermann deliver this comment on MSNBC night before last and was enraged to tears... Habeas Corpus has been stripped from the Bill of Rights my friends. I hope you are as outraged as I am and now it is time to spread this depressing news to your friends, family, and co-workers... Regards, Jimmy [Should we hold a funeral? - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; I uploaded this clip to YouTube recently and I thought you might be interested: This clip has been in several montages about the collapse of the WTC, but this time it's from the terminally flawed Inside the Twin Towers 'docu-drama' that ran on the Discovery Channel for the 5th Anniversary of the event. The special attempts to shore up several of the false claims made by the 9-11 Commission regarding the WTC, namely that the towers were 'hollow steel shafts', which anyone who's done even the least amount of research can discover is false. The special intersplices real 9-11 footage with dramatizations of what is supposedly occurring inside the buildings. Somehow, this clip managed to get into the program with it's audio intact. Not only can you see the explosions racing down the side of the building, but you can hear them now, too. Possibly the best video suggesting WTC controlled demolition that I've ever seen. Jack Frost [I can't personally vouch for the authenticity of that clip, and I've seen other versions of it with a different soundtrack, so viewer beware... as always. - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Jerky; The talking heads of conservative propaganda want you to believe that liberals want to compromise American sovereignty, but in fact it is the Bush administration that is opening up the Mexico/Canada highway corridor to facilitate unlimited access between the three countries as if they were just one country. At the end of March 2005, U.S. President George W. Bush, Mexican President Vicente Fox, and Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin committed their governments to a simple path of cooperation and joint action. The plan is so Simple. Erase the borders. The plan is contained in a "Security and Prosperity Partnership of North America" agreement that was little noticed when President Bush and President Fox created it in March 2005. Here is a little bit more at this site. David [Can it be any worse than what we've got now? - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com