GIVE MY RETARDS TO BROADWAY! YOU TALKIN' TO ME? We here at the Daily Dirt were surprised to learn that respected tough guy actor Robert Deniro is producing a lavish Broadway musical featuring the songs of Queen, entitled We Will Rock You. The story allegedly revolves around a future society where musical instruments are verboten, and the common man must rise up to confront his authoritarian oppressors using nothing but his hands and feet. You know the drill: Stomp, stomp, CLAP! Stomp, stomp, CLAP! This development got us here at the Daily Dirt thinking, what if Mister Deniro's decision was to spark a trend? We asked our old pal Madame Vulva to peer deep into her crystal ball to see if she could find out for us, but she was drunk, so we just made up some stuff. Stuff like: In the next few months, Al Pacino will announce that he is bankrolling a lavish Broadway musical entitled Bird Dance, loosely based on all those songs you only ever hear at Italian weddings. The show's centerpiece will be the rousing rendition of Funiculi! Funicula! as sung by Kylie Minogue, while two dozen Sicilian synchronized swimmers flit about and blow bubbles beneath the vast glass stage. Soon afterwards, Jack Nicholson will reveal plans for a lavish Broadway musical based on the life and times of horror writer H.P. Lovecraft, featuring the music of Metallica, entitled The Thing That Should Not Be. The main attraction will be a gigantic animatronics C'tulhu puppet that chases an emaciated Lovecraft around the stage while an army of mullet-sporting mongoloids brutally chug-a-chug-chug at their guitars. Only a few months later, Marlon Brando will start working on a lavish Broadway anti-war musical featuring the songs of Black Sabbath, entitled War Pigs. Brando, himself, will star in a dual role as both the Iron Man, and as a War Pig. And, just to be different, thespianic idiot savant Crispin Glover will be putting on a stage version of Pink Floyd's The Wall, featuring the music of Led Zeppelin, starring students from a rural Minnesota school for the mentally retarded.

ON THIS DAY April 8 On this day in 1865, humiliated, routed and cornered Confederate General Robert E. Lee surrenders to Union General Ulysses S. Grant in Appomattox, Virginia, effectively ending the American Civil War. A grand total of six-hundred and twenty-thousand men lost their lives in the conflict, more than the number of Americans lost in World War I, World War II, the Korean Conflict and Vietnam... combined. It was a blood-bath! Adendum: One-hundred and thirty-seven years later, despite repeated promises to do so, the South has yet to "rise again." ...or do they?

QUOTES! "Cut off the head, the tail stops wagging." - A nugget of thug wisdom from Don DeLillo's excellent and meticulously researched Lee Harvey Oswald novel, Libra. *** *** *** "It’s easy to imagine an infinite number of situations where the government might legitimately give out false information." - Once-and-future-traitor Solicitor-General Ted Olson lets some truth slip out while arguing before the Supreme Court early last week.

JOKES Today's first joke was sent in by our new pal Will Rogers... A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the same order. One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?" The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!" So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?" The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags." *** *** *** Today's second joke was sent in by our old pal Keith A... A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts." The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!" A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!" Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's worst jokes were sent in by BRIANFO UK. TWO GAYS WORKING IN A GARAGE, ONE OF THEM SAYS I CAN TELL ANY MAKE OF ANY SPARK PLUG BY STICKING IT UP MY ARSE, THE OTHER SAYS SLIPP YOUR PANT DOWN AND LETS TEST YOU AND GETS THE FIRST SPARK PLUG AND STICKS IT UP IS ARSE TO WHICH HE REPLIES OH ROUGH, GERMAN MUST BE BOSCH. SAME WITH THE SECOND SPARK PLUG, HE REPLIES OH SMOOTH MUST BE FRENCH A.C. DELCO. THE SECOND GAY THEN STICKS HIS PRICK UP HIS ARSE TO WHICH HE REPLIES CHAMPION!!!!

JERKY KNOWS! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Dear Jerky, I keep hearing on PBS lately about how America is built on "free markets" and how our "free market economy" is the envy of the world, and that every other country should embrace and emulate our "free market" practices. Well, if the free market is so fantastic, then why did the energy companies start screwing California the minute public price controls were removed? And why did we have to use public money to bail out the airlines after September 11? And why did Bush impose a thirty percent tarrif on imported steel, costing untold millions to the private American companies who depend on cheaper European steel to keep their costs down and remain globally competitive? Could the talking heads on CNBC and PBS be as full of hot air as they seem to be? Signed: Concerned Dear Concerned; it's like this: All wealth is a transient illusion. Property itself is a matter of opinion and wishful thinking made concrete through the application of brute force. So the next time some junior member of the Cult of Hayek tries to throw some Lockean theory of "fundamental rights of private ownership" at you, just bring up the native Americans and watch them shut their silly mouths in a hurry. It's all a smoke-screen. The billionaires screaming "Deregulate! Privatize! Leave us alone!!!" are really saying "LET US RULE!" And the non-billionaires who shill for the billionaires only do so in the hopes that their perceived betters will one day smile down upon them, with hand extended in a gesture of invitation. This total assault, this war for our hearts and minds, is being waged on a number of fronts - from the literal battlefields of Pipeline-istan to the psychological battlefields here at home - and the bad guys are winning, of course. The funny thing is, even with all their monetary and media monopoly advantages, the Enron debacle shows us that these Titans at the "commanding heights" still have to cheat to win. This alone should give you an indication of how indefensible their fundamental philosophies are. Just think about it... how can anyone legitimately lay sole and private claim to the airwaves, or the trees of an entire forest, or all the oil beneath an entire nation's feet? These things are simply parsed out to the wealthy for exploitation by their avatars in government, which has gone from being the small-d democratic check on mercantile overzealousness to being the entertainment wing of industry. In the global scheme of things, if you're wealthy, it is far more likely that you're LUCKY than meritous. Crony capitalism is rampant. Enronomics is the order of the day. "It's all in who you know" has never been more true than it is right now. And our lazy, arrogant Preznit has swum in that medium since the day he was born with a silver coke spoon up his shnoot.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. Today’s Topic: THE STELLA AWARDS! Care of: Grim_Jack@canada.com. The Stella Awards rank up there with the Darwin Awards. In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $2.9 million in damages to 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered third-degree burns to her legs, groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself. This case inspired an annual award - The Stella Award - for the most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S. The ones listed below are clear candidates. All these cases are verging on the outright ridiculous and yet (in the good old USA) with the right attorney you could win anything! 1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little bastard was Ms. Robertson's son. 2. June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps. 3. October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. Mr. Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars. 4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced-in yard, as was Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun. 5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. 6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses. 7. And just so you know that cooler heads do occasionally prevail: Kenmore Inc., the makers of Dorothy Johnson's microwave, were found not liable for the death of Mrs. Johnson's poodle after she gave it a bath and attempted to dry it by putting the poor creature in her microwave for, "just a few minutes, on low." The case was quickly dismissed. Too bad the other cases above weren't! By the way, all of the above stories are true. [Wellsir, yer old pal Jerky did a little research - meaning he checked out Snopes - and it turns out that NONE of the above "true stories" is true. Not one. They're all bullshit. This brings up a good and serious question: Why? Why would anyone bother putting together a list of fake nuissance lawsuits, then spam people with it? To help bolster support for tort reform? Is lawyer-hate really as intense and vitriolic as all those lawyer jokes imply? Yer old pal Jerky has trouble understanding this. In today's society, where established elites use their bought-and-paid-for politicians to legislatively tilt the system in their favor, trial lawyers are the little guy's last, best defense against the machine's grinding gears. So don't be a fucking dupe, already. There is no plague of niussance lawsuits, and even the supposedly "ridiculous: McDonald's lawsuit story has another side to it. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com